Lessons from a Dying Parent

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَىْءٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْخَوْفِ وَٱلْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْأَمْوَٰلِ وَٱلْأَنفُسِ وَٱلثَّمَرَٰتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ 
ٱلَّذِينَ إِذَآ أَصَـٰبَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌۭ قَالُوٓا۟ إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّآ إِلَيْهِ رَٰجِعُونَ 
أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَٰتٌۭ مِّن رَّبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌۭ ۖ وَأُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ هُمُ ٱلْمُهْتَدُونَ 

We will certainly test you with a touch of fear and famine and loss of property, life, and crops. Give good news to those who patiently endure—who say, when struck by a disaster, “Surely to Allah we belong and to Him we will ˹all˺ return.” They are the ones who will receive Allah’s blessings and mercy. And it is they who are ˹rightly˺ guided.

(Quran 2: 155-157)

My father, Abdullah Rubeya Faris, passed away last Thursday on the 5th of Sha’baan 1445H (15th February 2024).

To Allah belongs what He takes, and to Him belongs what He gives, and everything has its time.

This has been a long and difficult journey for him and for our family that started with a prostate cancer diagnosis in 2005, then increased in intensity in the last 12 months with his loss of mobility and a rollercoaster of medical emergencies until he reached his final breath last Thursday, and was buried after Jumuah prayers the next day.

When someone dies, we often reflect on their legacy and the life lessons they parted with us. And alhamdulillah, I learned so much from my dad – especially his mannerisms and kind conduct with people. However, in this article, I wanted to reflect on his death. I learned so much in this last year from him and the dying process that I want to capture these lessons firstly for myself and my family and secondly impart beneficial knowledge to any child or caregiver as they care for a dying parent, spouse, relative, or friend.

1. This is Jannah

About a year ago, my dad fell on the steps of a masjid as he was going for Isha prayer in his hometown of Dar-es-salaam, Tanzania. That fall led to a host of medical complications, a move to Dubai for treatment, and making him wheelchair-bound and in need of constant care.

During the initial days after his fall, a dear family friend turned to me and said, “This is Jannah.. what you’re doing is Jannah.. don’t let go of it… stay close to your dad”. 

It was this reminder that flipped the situation for me from one of pain/loss to one of opportunity to get closer to Allah SWT. 

This reminder kept ringing in my ears as the difficulties increased over the next several months.

2. Preparing myself spiritually

When my father first fell, I had a feeling that the end was near. I called my dear friend and scholar, Sh. Khalil Abdur-Rashid, the Muslim chaplain at Harvard University for advice and spiritual counseling, here’s what he said:

1. This is a blessing from Allah that you can make it and be with your father in his final days. So, first and foremost, you should thank Allah for this blessing.
2. This is not easy, but this is part of Allah’s mercy. You can shed tears, but don’t despair.
3. Think about what you want to say to him and take advantage of these moments to say what you want to say
4. Ask him for advice on how to live life, and listen and take the advice for the rest of your life, and pass it on to your children.
5. Get his wishes and advice on how property should be handled, how his body is to be treated, and where to be buried. How should we carry on as a family after him? What Sadaqat to give. Record these wishes! 
6. In the final moments, hold his hand and say La ilaha illa Allah. This is a time when angels are descending – you’re in the company of angels. Don’t fear, and don’t be Sad. You’ll see your dad in different spiritual states. You’ll say your words of inspiration, and he’ll say his word. This is an incredible and humbling experience
7. This is a time that’s also a reminder for you that your time is next. And start getting your affairs in order.
8. Your father will finally get what he wants in Jannah – it’s only a matter of time, as Allah promises the believers.
9. We are in a sacred time – the months of Rajab, Sha’baan, Ramadan, and then the Hajj months. A blessed time to pass away. 
10. Ask what Sadaqat he wants to give. Any debts he has? Any previous zakat? Salat? Fasting? Have these discussions sooner rather than later.

I can’t say I lived up to all the advice above, but I often re-read and reflected on his advice.

3. Days are long, but the year is short

“Reflection: the hardest thing about trials is not the initial shock or drama, the hardest thing about trials is the readjustment to a new reality and endurance to keep up with new reality” – A WhatsApp message I sent to my close circle of friends

You often hear that the days are long, but the years are short when raising children. I feel the exact phrase can be applied to a terminally ill parent who requires constant care and is given a bleak prognosis. 

The daily constant requirement of feeding, clothing, cleaning, carrying, and taking care of dad (most of it done by my mother, may Allah bless her), along with mood swings and physical/mental pain, makes you feel tired/exhausted all the time. 

Days bleed into weeks and months, and there’s a part of you that thinks, “Will this ever end/or get better?” and there’s a part of you that regrets thinking of that question and realizing that the end might be sooner than you think. 

You learn to embrace the present, stop thinking/worrying about the future, and just be thankful for one more day and breath.

4. Activating Surf-Mode